Sunday, July 15, 2012

10 Lies About Blogging

In this day in age, any idiot with an internet connection and a decent vocabulary can be a blogger. Some people were successful and went on to make tons of cash while others fell by the wayside. Why does that happen? I'll tell you why.

LIE #10 - Anyone Can Do It: Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in life works on a first come, first serve basis. If you're the first person to do something, it doesn't matter how shitty it is. People will flock to a new idea in ravenous hordes and milk it for all it's worth. Then you'll have a bunch of other asshole know-it-alls step in and try to codify shit. After that, people will accept the new standard making it harder and harder for the low man on the totem pole to move up while the fat bastards on top soak up all the sun for themselves.

LIE #9 - You Can Get Paid To Blog: Unless you're working for a company that requires you to blog as part of your job description, the chances of this are slim to none. Think of everyone you know, right now. How many of them work at the mall or restaurants or on campus? Probably all of them. Now how many people do you know get paid to blog? Probably none. Even if you were lucky enough to land a gig like that, you would NEVER get to write about anything that interests you. You'd be married to a list of topics that you're not passionate about.

LIE #8 - Provide A Service: So you want to write about investment banking or relationships. Maybe you want to write about cars or the best ways to save money. That's all well and good, but guess what - there are a million other people already writing about those things and they do it better than you. See lie number one if you've already forgotten what I said. Don't waste your time trying to "out-do" someone else. You have no idea who that person blew to get where they are so save your jealousy for later. If you still want to waste time writing about a topic that has been done to death...go ahead. I won't even say I told you so.

LIE #7 - Post Regularly: Honestly, you're a nobody. No one is going to care if you miss a day or two. Post as frequently or as sporadically as you choose. The sun is still going to shine. And don't be so hard on yourself either. People have better things to do than hang around on your blog, jerking off, and waiting for you to post something. If anyone is that obsessed with you, you have bigger problems than blogging.

LIE #6 - Communicate With Readers: I suggest you never talk to anyone, ever. Some of the most popular bloggers never respond to their comments. They let the comment section fill to the brim and never give it a second glance. If people find out that you're just a normal human being like them, they'll lose respect for you and go somewhere else. If people start complaining that you never respond to comments, just write a blog and respond to everyone all at once. Use terms like, "you guys" or "ya'll" if you're southern. Readers will be satisfied. Make sure you thank them too, but not individually. No one deserves that much attention on a blog. That's what mothers are for.

LIE #5 - List Things In Steps: The word on the street is that people like lists. This isn't true. Lists remind people of work and work makes people sad. Why the fuck do you want to write a blog that makes people sad? I mean, hey, if that's you're goal by all means go for it. Dream big! Life can't be broken down into steps. We always have to multitask. That's why God gave us two hands. Steps give the illusion that you're doing things one at a time but you're really not. Just be up front and tell people how life really is.

LIE #4 - Blogging Will Get You Work: Will it, really? Do you actually believe this lie? I've heard this SO MANY TIMES and read it SO MANY TIMES on so many different blogs and I'm here to tell you, this is bull. People always say they use their blog to get jobs. What jobs did they get? Honestly, what job could you possibly get from blogging? Is someone going to come here, read this, and go....EUREKA! Lets give her a job. We love her snarky bipolar demeanor. She's a shoe in! Don't get your hopes up, kid. Money doesn't grow on bandwidth.

LIE #3 - Entrepreneurs Need A Blog: No they don't. There are plenty of successful business owners who launched their start-ups without hashing out every single detail of their journey on a blog. Those are the kinds of juicy details you want to keep to yourself. It's a struggle to start a business. Some people start with nothing and end up with everything and then people want to PAY them to know how they did it. They certainly aren't going to give away a details for free on a blog. Blogs are meant to supplement and validate people's egos...that's all.

LIE #2 - Writers Who Blog Get Published: Of course they do...every time they click that orange "publish" button. If you're talking big leagues, you're wrong. Publishing companies have no idea how blogs even work so their chances of finding you are nada. If you want to get published, send them a query letter the old fashioned way. If you wait to get discovered, you're just plain stupid.

LIE #1 - Anyone Can Blog: This isn't true either. It takes a certain kind of twisted narcissist to become a blogger. I mean, you really have to be fucked in the head to think that you're so special that you should publish your mind-shit on a daily basis. Yes, I said MIND-SHIT. Take a look at bloggers. They are some of the most pompous assholes around. We're almost as self-centered as actors. A humble person can't blog. They'd be too modest in their posts and they'd gush about how no one reads their blog and they'd fish for compliments. Fuck. All. That. I'm here and I've got shit to say so listen up! 

Are you ready to blog? If you read all the lies above and you still want to blog, congratulations. You're a true blogger. What are you waiting for?

1 comment:

  1. I'm a twisted narcissist who blogs eceryday and so are you!


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