Friday, July 19, 2013

10 Things Movies Can Teach You

Here's a list of shit that you should probably already know but in case no one ever taught you, these movies will.

1.) If you're going to venture into the wilderness alone...TELL SOMEONE! 

2.) If someone calls you on the phone, says he's a cop, then proceeds to ask you do HIS job...HANG UP!

3.) Don't let your small children walk to/from school alone!

 4.) Don't go to ATM machines at night. OR, if you do go to an ATM at night, don't be a pussy about it!

5.) Don't ever babysit. Get a job at McDonald's if you need money that bad.

6.) Don't write other people's suicide notes.

7.) Take the blue pill.

8.) Don't kill someone's mom.

9.) If you don't love her, DON'T MARRY HER!

10.) Never EVER give up your humanity.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

10 Things Every Only Child Will Understand

Consider having a second child...please!
While being an only child can have its perks, it also has its setbacks!!
10.) Taking the Blame Every Time: Anytime something goes missing or breaks and you did it, YOU did it. No little brother or sister to place the blame on.

9.) You’re Lonely: As an only child you better get good at making friends. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself spending a lot of time alone. A LOT of time. Imaginary friends anyone?

8.) People Think You're Weird: Because you ARE! You've spent a lot of time by yourself and being around other people is awkward. You're probably either really shy, extremely introverted, or extroverted to the point where it scares people. Maybe you're all three!

7.) People Assume You’re Spoiled: Just because you’re an only child doesn’t mean you get everything you want. People love to assume you get showered with toys and money and attention but it just isn’t true.

6.) You Could Lose Your Family Name: This mostly applies to girls who will marry and take their spouses last name. Even if you keep your maiden name, your kids will have different last names than you.

5.) More Pressure to Have Kids: If you're an only child and you don't procreate, your immediate family ends with you! It's a sad thought.

4.) If You Die Before Your Parents: Unless your parents are young enough to have another kid or they adopt, that's the end of your immediate family anyway! Isn't that fucking sad?

3.) You Secretly or Publicly Wish You Had Siblings Only to Have People Tell You That You're Lucky You Don't: Sure...maybe I'm lucky at Christmas when all the presents under the tree are for me, but I'd rather have brothers and sisters!

2.) You’ll never be an Aunt/Uncle: Thanks, mom and dad, for ruining my chances of having a niece or nephew. Oh no, I enjoy being all alone. Thanks a lot!

1.) You have to Care for Aging Parents All By Yourself: In the old days, couples would have lots of children so that they had a better chance of being taken care of when got old. Unless they already died or you or your spouse is rich, as an only child you’ve inherited the SOLE responsibility of taking care of your parents in their old age. Good luck doing that if you're poor or have tons of debt. Thanks mom and dad! Thanks a LOT! 

Bitter you say? I'm not bitter at all!