When You Don't Have A "Plan B"

A leap of faith

I did it. After all this time. All the waiting and hoping and praying. All the times I failed math and re-took it. All the times I cried and envied other people. I finally moved out of my parent's house to pursue my bachelor's degree in theatre. Finally.

But why do I feel so weird? It's not culture shock because LA has the same shit that Banning and Beaumont had...but there's some other nagging feeling. I walked to the 99 cent store with John looking for hot chocolate when I realized what's been bothering me the last 14 days:

I don't have a "Plan B."

But that's okay, right? Having a backup plan is for pussies, right? If you're going to do something, do it! Like Dr. Frank-N-Furter says, "Don't dream it. Be it."

But those things are easier said than done. I'm a 100 miles away from home, tens of thousands of dollars in debt and I'm hanging by a thread. Or at least, that's how it feels. 

I'm here to learn and create. I'm here to start a REAL career as a writer and actress. I want to do internships and meet as many people as I can so we can help each other achieve our goals. 

I know I'll make it if I just keep believing and working hard like I've been doing. That's how I got to where I am now. I kept working and I didn't give up no matter how bleak everything seemed.

I think another reason I feel weird about it is because it didn't come at a time where I was desperate for it. It came when the time was right. I was watching How to Lose Friends and Alienate People with John last night and a conversation Simon Pegg's character has with Megan Fox's struck me:

Sydney Young: What's it like to be famous?

Sophie Maes: Weird. It's happening so fast. It's like it has nothing to do with me. It's like I'm not even here.

It just struck me. As if...I was always going to transfer and move away from home whether I wanted to or not. Because I wanted it to happen, it did. 

I don't know, that's probably just my weirdo brain being weirdo. Whatever.

The point is, I'm here now. And in the famous words of RuPaul, "Don't fuck it up!"

10 Things Movies Can Teach You

Here's a list of shit that you should probably already know but in case no one ever taught you, these movies will.

1.) If you're going to venture into the wilderness alone...TELL SOMEONE! 

2.) If someone calls you on the phone, says he's a cop, then proceeds to ask you do HIS job...HANG UP!

3.) Don't let your small children walk to/from school alone!

 4.) Don't go to ATM machines at night. OR, if you do go to an ATM at night, don't be a pussy about it!

5.) Don't ever babysit. Get a job at McDonald's if you need money that bad.

 
6.) Don't write other people's suicide notes.

7.) Take the blue pill.

8.) Don't kill someone's mom.

9.) If you don't love her, DON'T MARRY HER!

 
10.) Never EVER give up your humanity.

10 Things Every Only Child Will Understand

Consider having a second child...please!

While being an only child can have its perks, it also has its setbacks!!
 

10.) Taking the Blame Every Time: Anytime something goes missing or breaks and you did it, YOU did it. No little brother or sister to place the blame on.

9.) You’re Lonely: As an only child you better get good at making friends. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself spending a lot of time alone. A LOT of time. Imaginary friends anyone?

8.) People Think You're Weird: Because you ARE! You've spent a lot of time by yourself and being around other people is awkward. You're probably either really shy, extremely introverted, or extroverted to the point where it scares people. Maybe you're all three!

7.) People Assume You’re Spoiled: Just because you’re an only child doesn’t mean you get everything you want. People love to assume you get showered with toys and money and attention but it just isn’t true.

6.) You Could Lose Your Family Name: This mostly applies to girls who will marry and take their spouses last name. Even if you keep your maiden name, your kids will have different last names than you.

5.) More Pressure to Have Kids: If you're an only child and you don't procreate, your immediate family ends with you! It's a sad thought.

4.) If You Die Before Your Parents: Unless your parents are young enough to have another kid or they adopt, that's the end of your immediate family anyway! Isn't that fucking sad?

3.) You Secretly or Publicly Wish You Had Siblings Only to Have People Tell You That You're Lucky You Don't: Sure...maybe I'm lucky at Christmas when all the presents under the tree are for me, but I'd rather have brothers and sisters!

2.) You’ll never be an Aunt/Uncle: Thanks, mom and dad, for ruining my chances of having a niece or nephew. Oh no, I enjoy being all alone. Thanks a lot!

1.) You have to Care for Aging Parents All By Yourself: In the old days, couples would have lots of children so that they had a better chance of being taken care of when got old. Unless they already died or you or your spouse is rich, as an only child you’ve inherited the SOLE responsibility of taking care of your parents in their old age. Good luck doing that if you're poor or have tons of debt. Thanks mom and dad! Thanks a LOT! 

Bitter you say? I'm not bitter at all!

I Think I'm In Serious Trouble

I have a big problem on my hands and I think Emilie Wapnick might be partially to blame. Don't get me wrong, she's a great person, but she's got me thinking I can do everything and that it's okay. The truth is that I've been feeling a little scared for a while and I've figured out why. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

There it is. I said it.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

It's almost a relief that I can admit that. I've been struggling with it for a long time, but it's the truth. It's been coming for a while but it finally hit me just now while I was trying to apply for a job at NBCUniversal. They have a multitude of internships that are open to people like me. The only problem is that my resume is a real piece of shit. I only have three things listed and that's Ann Taylor, KFC and the publicist job I did for the Masqueraders club when I was in office in 2010. 

The next step would be to write a new resume, but what do I put on it? Penelope Trunk says that you should write your resume for the job that you want. Problem is, I don't know what job I want. This is the thing I hate about being a grown-up. When you're a kid, everyone tells you that you can do anything you want. It's only when you grow up that you find out it's all bullshit and you can't do anything you want. What we really should be telling kids is that you can do some things that you want some of the time.

For a long time, I wanted to be a novelist like Stephen King or Chuck Palahniuk. I would spend hours in my room typing out what I thought was the next great American novel. I still have my rejection letters somewhere.

After that, I wanted to be an actress. I would come home from working at KFC and stay up all night shooting and editing videos. I uploaded them to YouTube and people got a real kick out of them sometimes. I thought I'd get famous and have lots of money. Eventually, I went back to college and got too busy to make videos. Besides that, technology was changing fast and I got intimidated by the quality of video everyone else had and I gave up for a while. I still upload videos sometimes.

While I was at MSJC, I studied theatre but somehow got sucked into dance. Dancing was fun and a lot of hard work and it's kind of the little sister to theatre. I ended up double majoring and doing a bunch of plays and concerts and things. I had a great time doing it for fun, but I know how competitive it is in the real world and I don't love it enough to pursue hardcore.

This is getting painful to write. I don't want to give up on my dreams...however outlandish they may seem. I want to write and produce an amazing web series...but where do you get a REAL job doing that? Should I change my major from theatre to communications so that people can know I'm serious? I don't know what to do and I don't know who to ask. I really feel alone and scared.

It's almost silly because I thought that I would have everything figured out by now. When you're a kid, grown-ups seem in control. They have all answers even if they don't want to give them to you because you're too young to hear it. But then you grow up and you find out the truth. Everyone is lost and nobody knows what they're doing. And somewhere far away, deep in a forest, there's a place called Happiness and everyone is trying to get to it.

This shouldn't be this hard. It can't be this hard. Someone please tell me I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that the answer is simple. I wrote a resume for John about a month ago. It was a writer/director resume. I listed everything he had done and all the awards and recognition he'd gotten. I tried to make him look like he knew what he was doing when it came to writing and directing. It was easy. So why can't I do that for myself? Maybe I should ask him what I'm good at. He'd probably say, "Everything, except cooking."

I think I wrote this blog to put off writing my resume because I don't know what to say in it. I really really don't.   

:(

I'm About to Be 30 Years Old and I Go To College!

I'm watching this on my b-day!

Okay, just so you know, I'm not here to bitch about turning 30. I'm happy to be turning 30 and I hope I get many many more birthdays.

What I'm here to bitch about is people trying to tell me how to live my life. I graduated from community college last year and this fall I'm transferring to CSUN as a theatre major.

Everyone has a fucking opinion. 

"What are you going to do with a theatre degree?"

"College is expensive."

Oh really, asshole?

Let me address the first one. Do you think you're going to get anywhere in life if you just do the bare minimum? A degrees isn't going to do the work for you. A degree gets you in the door but it doesn't beat the competition for you. If all you're in college for is a degree then you're wasting your time. You have to do other things while you're in school to make you stand out. You have to go out and get the opportunities because they aren't going to land at your feet. I fully intend to get involved, look for internships and network as MUCH as I can just like I did at the community college.

And the second rebuttal I get. College is expensive. Fuck yeah it is. If you want something of value, you gotta pay for it. Who wants to cheap their way through life and get everything handed to them? You have to spend money to make money. Besides, what's the alternative? Keep living at home with my parents in this small town and work at the mall? I don't think so. I'm trying to make things happen for myself and it isn't going to get done while I'm stuck here. 

I'm comfortable with the choices I've made. I'm not getting any younger and I promised myself that I would go to school. You don't need college? Fine. Don't go. I'm sick of everyone using Bill Gates and Steve Jobs as examples (more like excuses) to skip college. Bill and Steve were motivated self-starters. The people who say that haven't done shit with their lives but they fucking LOVE to try and tell me something. I work really hard to make things happen for myself and if somehow I create a career out of Chronicles of the Dead, I won't hesitate to leave CSUN and be among those special people who didn't need a degree.

If it's a mistake, then it's my mistake to make.

That's all for now, goodnight.

 

Post-Performance Depression

No one is immune to feeling sad, it happens, and no one likes it. Avenue Q will be over after this Sunday's matinee and I can't help the feeling of dread and sadness that's welling up inside me.

I think back to where I was last fall and I just don't know what happened. There I was applying to colleges and working. I had to stop by the school to get transcripts and recommendation letters. Every time I was there people would ask me about auditioning for Avenue Q. I just brushed it off at first thinking, they could get some other black person to do it. There are other people in town perfectly capable of doing that role. Why should I always have to play that one black character.

Honestly, I didn't want to do it. 

But when auditions got closer I thought...maybe I need a distraction. I won't be transferring for another eight months almost. What would I do with all that time? Sure i could make videos on my channel or write the nine episodes of Chronicles of the Dead that we need...but I like to stay busy.

I auditioned and got the part. I sang "It's a Privilege to Pee" from Urinetown. I love that song so much because it fits my voice and it's hilarious. 

We went through two Nicky's before finding the perfect one. We rehearsed for months. We helped each other. We got frustrated and super excited. We laughed, we injured ourselves and our voices, but we never stopped believing in our little show. 

Opening night was more than we could have asked for. The audience laughed at stuff that we had forgotten was even funny. We got three standing ovations in a row and local media coverage. Our friends and familes loved us and saw us more than once. 

Soon it will all be a memory. Am I really going to miss this musical that I wasn't even sure I wanted to be part of in the first place? Fuck yeah. But just like the show says, everything in life is only for now.

        

PLEASE READ: A Note to Our Supporters

There's no such thing as a "new" idea. You mad, bro?

There is nothing new under the sun...

I've heard this said many times and it has never been truer for us than right now.

Many of you may already know that there is another "Chronicles of the Dead" out there. Before we went live, I did a Google search and there was nothing. Five days later...there was a "Chronicles of the Dead dot com."

What was it?

Another zombie web series.

Shit.

I freaked out. I thought, maybe we should change our name? But honestly, I had been working with that title since 2009 and I didn't want to change it. So I didn't.

The next blow came with a rude comment on YouTube:

    
We have all been taught that this industry is small. You never know who is who. You're supposed to be nice to people and treat them well. You never know who you're going to work with in the future. You never know who could hold your career in their hands.

The good people of Riverside County's Chronicles of the Dead do not stand for online slander and bullying. We will not "retaliate" in a hateful or unjust way.

But let it be known: This will NOT stop us. This will NOT slow us down. They can have all their friends give us the worst ratings all they want. Rate us a one on IMDB. "Dislike" our episodes. Do what you will. Just know that we will float to the top with integrity while you sink in your own filth.

I'm not here to play games. I'm here to make a web series. All of those who support us, we thank you.

Sincerely, Monica Louise Bryant

Writer/Director of Chronicles of the Dead