Post-Performance Depression

No one is immune to feeling sad, it happens, and no one likes it. Avenue Q will be over after this Sunday's matinee and I can't help the feeling of dread and sadness that's welling up inside me.

I think back to where I was last fall and I just don't know what happened. There I was applying to colleges and working. I had to stop by the school to get transcripts and recommendation letters. Every time I was there people would ask me about auditioning for Avenue Q. I just brushed it off at first thinking, they could get some other black person to do it. There are other people in town perfectly capable of doing that role. Why should I always have to play that one black character.

Honestly, I didn't want to do it. 

But when auditions got closer I thought...maybe I need a distraction. I won't be transferring for another eight months almost. What would I do with all that time? Sure i could make videos on my channel or write the nine episodes of Chronicles of the Dead that we need...but I like to stay busy.

I auditioned and got the part. I sang "It's a Privilege to Pee" from Urinetown. I love that song so much because it fits my voice and it's hilarious. 

We went through two Nicky's before finding the perfect one. We rehearsed for months. We helped each other. We got frustrated and super excited. We laughed, we injured ourselves and our voices, but we never stopped believing in our little show. 

Opening night was more than we could have asked for. The audience laughed at stuff that we had forgotten was even funny. We got three standing ovations in a row and local media coverage. Our friends and familes loved us and saw us more than once. 

Soon it will all be a memory. Am I really going to miss this musical that I wasn't even sure I wanted to be part of in the first place? Fuck yeah. But just like the show says, everything in life is only for now.

        

PLEASE READ: A Note to Our Supporters

There's no such thing as a "new" idea. You mad, bro?

There is nothing new under the sun...

I've heard this said many times and it has never been truer for us than right now.

Many of you may already know that there is another "Chronicles of the Dead" out there. Before we went live, I did a Google search and there was nothing. Five days later...there was a "Chronicles of the Dead dot com."

What was it?

Another zombie web series.

Shit.

I freaked out. I thought, maybe we should change our name? But honestly, I had been working with that title since 2009 and I didn't want to change it. So I didn't.

The next blow came with a rude comment on YouTube:

    
We have all been taught that this industry is small. You never know who is who. You're supposed to be nice to people and treat them well. You never know who you're going to work with in the future. You never know who could hold your career in their hands.

The good people of Riverside County's Chronicles of the Dead do not stand for online slander and bullying. We will not "retaliate" in a hateful or unjust way.

But let it be known: This will NOT stop us. This will NOT slow us down. They can have all their friends give us the worst ratings all they want. Rate us a one on IMDB. "Dislike" our episodes. Do what you will. Just know that we will float to the top with integrity while you sink in your own filth.

I'm not here to play games. I'm here to make a web series. All of those who support us, we thank you.

Sincerely, Monica Louise Bryant

Writer/Director of Chronicles of the Dead   

Sometimes It Feels Like The World Is Full Of Shit!

Did I ever tell you about my interview with Saks 5th Avenue in Palm Desert back in late August? It turns out their recruiting department was trolling an old resume I uploaded to Monster dot com some years ago. A nice lady called me up and asked me if I'd like an interview. She was impressed with my resume and thought I would be good match for the company. Who was I to say no?

I was so excited. I thought, finally I'll have a full-time job because they were interviewing me for a management position. I was high and nervous, but mostly high. Nothing could bring me down off that cloud. Then the day of the interview came...

I dressed up in the most impressive outfit I could find and printed a fresh resume on that fancy paper. I was ready. My parents were excited for me and so was John. We drove down to Palm Desert together and were blown away at how fancy their mall was. I could work in a place like that. I could see myself there. John waited for me outside and I went in to do my interview.

The guy seemed nice enough. The first thing he told me was that all the money I'd be making was commission based. No sales means no money. In fact, I could end up owing money. I'd never heard of such a system before. Still somehow I kept an open mind until he asked:

"Why did you choose Saks?"

I swallowed hard. Hadn't they called me? I didn't even know Saks was hiring until I got the call from their recruiting department. I said...

"Saks chose me. I was called here because my resume impressed someone."

He wasn't impressed with my answer. He didn't even look up from his folder. I guess I was stupid to think someone actually saw my talents and wanted me for their company. It was all very misleading.

I felt lower than dirt when I left and I never heard from them again. John said was for the best because there's
no way that job would ever make me happy. My parents said it was ok. They hugged me and they were sorry.

Maybe that job wouldn't have made me happy...but not getting it didn't make me happy either. I know what I want from life and I'm trying to get it...but how can I keep plowing through full speed when I'm so hungry and so tired and desperate for more than just the leftover scraps of life?

I didn't mean to be so negative today. It wasn't my intention.

Adventures In Obscure YouTube Channels and Girls Who Eat Used Tampons

Her name is Giovanna Plowman; aka "The girl who ate her own period blood."

What could drive a girl to do something so deprave? She states in the video several times, "this is disgusting...I don't know why I'm doing this." Yet she does it anyway and proceeds to upload it to the internet where things don't go away very easily. Some say it was fake, but even so, is it worth potentially ruining an opportunity that you may not have even known you'd get?

Fake or not, this girl is desperate for internet fame. Some people find fame through comedy, others with song. Some people make a sex tape...this girl ate her own menstrual blood. It's hard to label her an attention seeker when so many other people are doing different variations of the same thing, right?

The internet is vast and wide. It's not the narrow hole that it used to be. It seems as if a new YouTube account springs up every second. Speaking of which, how do you find new channels? With the recent surge of independent companies and ads, it's almost impossible to find new talent. Luckily, this process has been made a little bit easier with a website I found called VidStatsX.

If you're "YouTube Famous" you can use the site to stroke your ego. I use it to find obscure channels like this one. See, YouTube does this thing where they only promote popular people...so only the popular people get seen. I use this site to enter the "back door" of YouTube and find other channels I might like. It's a great tool if you're sick of the mainstream. I'm not trying to go all "hipster" but if I have to watch another iJustine video, I'll gouge my own eyes out.

Stand-up Comedy & Vlogging

I make videos on YouTube on three channels. One is comedy skits. One is about my hair. The final channel is Chronicles of the Dead. 

I feel like I make the same stuff over and over again and it's getting boring. There are things I want to try but I'm nervous about how they'll come off. For example, stand-up comedy sounds SCARY, but I want to try it. I don't have any jokes though, so they might just come off sounding really dumb. I spent a few hours looking up really bad stand-up online and the comedians were so bad that they were getting booed off stage. I don't want that to happen to me, it terrifies me, but I really want to try.

Vlogging is another one of those things I've been dying to try but I don't know if it's going to work out for me or not. Sitting in front of the camera and talking doesn't sound like a good idea to me. I would like to incorporate skits so that I'm talking but then I cut away to acting out what I just talked about and then cutting back to talking. It sounds easy but it's really not.

I realized that I hate my voice. I used to get teased in middle school but then everyone grew up and didn't care anymore. Sadly, those scars haven't healed yet so I still get a little disgusted when I hear myself talking. I think everyone has that though, so I'm not alone. 

Anyway, those are a few things I'm going to try out. I don't know if they're going to work, but I'll only know if I give it a chance. 

Here goes nothing!

   
 

I'm Waiting for Life to Start

Avenue Q rehearsals are about to start soon and I can't wait. I'm Gary Coleman. If you don't know who that is, you've lived a sad life. If you don't know what Avenue Q is, get over to YouTube RIGHT NOW and find out.

I'm really excited to be a part of this show, but another thing that excites me is the fact that I'll actually be doing something productive. I'm not saying that I don't do productive things now, but my level of activity has definitely dwindled since graduation. I make videos and I write but I spend a LOT of time watching Netflix and perusing the net. Too much time.

I could have had all the episodes of COTD written already, but I was too busy looking at Eliza Dushku's Instagram. I could have finished my screenplay or even read my friend's book if I hadn't spent so much time watching and re-watching movies back to back.

I knew I spent a lot of time on the internet, but I didn't really realize HOW much time I spent on there until I came across Maude Apatow's Twitter. She talks a lot about how Twitter is sucking her soul. It makes her feel good. It makes her feel bad. It makes her stalk famous people that she thinks she'll never get the chance to actually know. Maybe because her dad only casts the same actors over and over, who knows. 

Anyway, I feel the same and I think a lot of people do. The internet is a great and wonderful thing but too much is bad. Everything in moderation, right? But I'm an American. I don't understand moderation. I want everything fast and cheap. I get antsy if my Facebook page takes too long to load. It's just an issue that we all deal with whether we want to or not.

I can't see an easy solution unless we get rid of the internet and I trade my iPhone in for an early 2000s Nokia. Oh well...

     

The Truth

This is my first post 2013. And who knows, it might be my last. Why? I don't fucking know. Maybe because I'm not good at overcoming my procrastination. Maybe because I'm self-conscious about my thoughts and I don't want to share them. Maybe because no one really cares anyway so why bother? Or Maybe it's because being honest is too hard.

That's it. Being honest is too hard. The truth is, I'm really great at overcoming procrastination...most of the time. I'm not really all that self-conscious about my thoughts either. If I was, I wouldn't fucking be on the internet. People do care about me. No, not everyone I meet but enough. But honesty fucking sucks. 

It's like those times at work when I'm in charge of the fitting rooms. A lady will come out in one of our new outfits she saw in the window. She'll slowly walk over to me, looking me in the eye, and ask in a tiny voice, "What do you think of this?"

That's when I freeze up because what I say will determine how she feels about herself. I can't lie and say she looks good if she doesn't. Most of the time I can avoid the question by replying with another question. "How does it feel?"

That's because 75% of what you wear depends on how it feels. High heels are pretty sexy but they're a bitch to wear. Thongs are sexy but they fucking stick up your ass worse than a dick. If I can get her to admit it doesn't feel, I let her know it doesn't look good either and vice versa. 

Honesty in blogs is hard because there's too much to be honest about. I could go on for days about how broke I am or how my channel is doing or how much I wish I was doing more with my life and it would be great. People like to read success stories because it gives them hope, but people also like to read true stories of despair so they don't feel alone. It's easy to feel like you're alone in a situation when everyone around you is smiling and having a great fucking time.

I was supposed to write every day. I told myself I would because I want to be a great writer someday. To me, a great writer equals someone that people want to read and pay. That's one of my goals. It's a good goal. Is it better than selling the most crack? No, but it's legal and I don't want to kill people with crack.

Anyway, I'm going to go now so I can work on my screenplay. It's really hard to work on it because my ideas are running dry. I don't want it to be cliche but it will probably end up cliche.

Goodnight.