There it is. I said it.
I don't know what I want to do with my life.
It's almost a relief that I can admit that. I've been struggling with it for a long time, but it's the truth. It's been coming for a while but it finally hit me just now while I was trying to apply for a job at NBCUniversal. They have a multitude of internships that are open to people like me. The only problem is that my resume is a real piece of shit. I only have three things listed and that's Ann Taylor, KFC and the publicist job I did for the Masqueraders club when I was in office in 2010.
The next step would be to write a new resume, but what do I put on it? Penelope Trunk says that you should write your resume for the job that you want. Problem is, I don't know what job I want. This is the thing I hate about being a grown-up. When you're a kid, everyone tells you that you can do anything you want. It's only when you grow up that you find out it's all bullshit and you can't do anything you want. What we really should be telling kids is that you can do some things that you want some of the time.
For a long time, I wanted to be a novelist like Stephen King or Chuck Palahniuk. I would spend hours in my room typing out what I thought was the next great American novel. I still have my rejection letters somewhere.
After that, I wanted to be an actress. I would come home from working at KFC and stay up all night shooting and editing videos. I uploaded them to YouTube and people got a real kick out of them sometimes. I thought I'd get famous and have lots of money. Eventually, I went back to college and got too busy to make videos. Besides that, technology was changing fast and I got intimidated by the quality of video everyone else had and I gave up for a while. I still upload videos sometimes.
While I was at MSJC, I studied theatre but somehow got sucked into dance. Dancing was fun and a lot of hard work and it's kind of the little sister to theatre. I ended up double majoring and doing a bunch of plays and concerts and things. I had a great time doing it for fun, but I know how competitive it is in the real world and I don't love it enough to pursue hardcore.
This is getting painful to write. I don't want to give up on my dreams...however outlandish they may seem. I want to write and produce an amazing web series...but where do you get a REAL job doing that? Should I change my major from theatre to communications so that people can know I'm serious? I don't know what to do and I don't know who to ask. I really feel alone and scared.
It's almost silly because I thought that I would have everything figured out by now. When you're a kid, grown-ups seem in control. They have all answers even if they don't want to give them to you because you're too young to hear it. But then you grow up and you find out the truth. Everyone is lost and nobody knows what they're doing. And somewhere far away, deep in a forest, there's a place called Happiness and everyone is trying to get to it.
This shouldn't be this hard. It can't be this hard. Someone please tell me I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that the answer is simple. I wrote a resume for John about a month ago. It was a writer/director resume. I listed everything he had done and all the awards and recognition he'd gotten. I tried to make him look like he knew what he was doing when it came to writing and directing. It was easy. So why can't I do that for myself? Maybe I should ask him what I'm good at. He'd probably say, "Everything, except cooking."
I think I wrote this blog to put off writing my resume because I don't know what to say in it. I really really don't.
:(
